


Hyung

by Ssen



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2Jae, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Jaebeom and Youngjae are really good to each other though, M/M, Mention of Death, Mention of Unhealthy Relationship, Mention of blood, Mild Smut, Side Jinson, Spy! Jaebeom, Youngjae is too lets be real, angsty but cute, civil war kinda, jaebeom is whipped, mention of cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:35:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29638893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ssen/pseuds/Ssen
Summary: No matter how much Youngjae pretends not to care about anyone, Jaebeom knows better. He cares about Bambam. About Mark and Jackson. Actually, he cares about an awful lot of things, and a bit too much.  But not as much as he cares about his Hyung. It's okay though, he can lie. Jaebeom sees right through him.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB
Comments: 26
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi ! I'm still alive and still working on my other fic, don't worry ! This story has just been unfinished in my drafts for too long and I love it too much not to continue it. I've finished this chapter earlier today and the 2nd is soon to be finished too, so don't worry you'll have it soon ;)  
> This fic is darker than what I'm used to, so don't read if it's not your cup of tea I guess ? But I promise it's not that bad. It's actually very cute I think.  
> Anyway, hope you'll enjoy another fic of Jaebeom being whipped and Youngjae being an equally whipped brat !

“ _YOUNGJAE_ !” he hears right against his ear, the deep voice distorted by the buzzing of his earpiece. He doesn’t even flinch at the loudness. He’s so used to it. Instead he just keeps staring at the concrete floor, thinking hard.   
  


“Youngjae,” Mark’s robotic voice says again, a bit calmer. “I don’t even know why you’re thinking right now. _I_ make the decisions, in case you’ve forgotten !”  
  


He doesn’t listen. He doesn’t _care_ who’s supposed to make decisions. All he knows is that there’s still one hostage in the building and he’s the only one who can save her. Why is he even hesitating ?  
  


He turns back, runs to where he knows the girl is, according to what Mark told him after he hacked the cameras. “For fucks sake, Youngjae !” the elder groans. “You’re a fucking _bomb defuser_ ! You’re supposed to _defuse bombs_ ! Saving hostages is Jackson’s job !”  
  


“Jackson is at the other end of this fucking warehouse, Mark !” Youngjae answers. “There are still enemies in there and I’m not gonna let a fucking _child_ die ! Bam, you go to the bomb, I’ll join you asap.”  
  


Mark’s complain of “I _give the fucking orders here !_ ” is covered by Bambam’s yell. “What ??!” he makes. “Youngjae I’ve never done that without you, I can’t do that alone, I--”

  
Youngjae rolls his eyes as he keeps running through the corridors, his gun in his hand. “Have I been training you for nothing then ?” he asks with a bitter voice and waits for an answer that doesn’t come. He doesn’t let himself get worried. Bambam is not as good a technician as he is, but he’s one hell of a good fighter. There’s no way he would have been killed already. “Bam, just go for the bomb. If there’s something you don’t understand you’ll just describe it to me and I’ll help, alright ?”  
  


This time he gets an affirmative answer, even from Mark, although he’s still complaining. He hears the rest of the team talking to each other, but it doesn’t concern him anymore. He has only one mission. Finding the girl.  
  


He does, after a few indications from Mark. She’s tied up in a locked room, but no one is guarding her. Youngjae picks the lock without difficulty, and runs to kneel down in front of the teenager and undoes her ties.   
  


“Hi.” he grins after having taken off her blindfold. He cocks his head to the side, smiling cutely. “I’m not one of the bad guys. Come with me, please ?”   
  


She blinks at him, belwired, but he doesn’t give her enough time to think. He’s already taking her hand and leading her out of the room, not caring about her frightened yelp. He’ll be reassuring later. For now, he just has to be quick.  
  


“How’s it going, Bam ?” he asks as he retraces his steps, running to where he knows the bomb is, only stopping when the girl falls and he has to help her up again. “Come on,” he whispers to her. “You’re almost saved, keep going.”  
  


“It’s one of the complicated types of bombs you’ve shown me three weeks ago…” Bambam mumbles, obviously focused on it already. Youngjae’s heart skips a bit. It’s the worst bomb they could have found. Not too hard to defuse, but it takes ages.   
  


“How much time is left ? There should be a timer at the left,” he pants, starting to lose his breath as he keeps running, their steps echoing in the empty corridor.   
  


“6 minutes at most,” the younger answers and Youngjae chokes. _Oh shit.  
  
_

He immediately turns in a new direction, adjusting his microphone to make sure everyone will hear. “Guys !” he yells, out of breath, his heart beating too fast in his ribcage. They’re _fucked._ “There’s not enough time ! The bomb is gonna explode soon and we can’t do anything, we have to evacuate the building _NOW_ !”

  
A lot of voices suddenly overlap with each other and Youngjae winces at the loudness, but keeps going. He’s not sure, but he thinks there’s an exit not far from here. He doesn’t know if he’ll make it on time, this warehouse is a damn maze and Mark is already guiding a few other people out. He doesn’t want to interrupt him. If everything goes right, he’ll survive anyway, and so will the girl, they’re already far enough from the bomb. It’s better if the hacker helps others than himself. 

  
Distantly he hears a few of them announcing that they’re safe, and he sighs in relief when he hears Bambam’s voice. Not that he cares a lot about him, nah, it’s not like him. It’s just a good thing that his apprentice is still alive. He’s got a lot to learn still.  
  


At some point Mark starts yelling at him to go out, _now_ , and he knows it’s too late. If even Mark is panicking, then there’s no way he’ll make it. It’s no use.

  
He stops and falls to his knees, turning his back to where he knows the explosion will come from. The girl, who hasn’t even spoken a single word yet, falls too and Youngjae tucks her to his chest with a reassuring grin. “Close your eyes,” he whispers as he puts his noise-cancelling headphones and safety goggles on her. 

  
He doesn’t panic. Even when Jackson, Mark and Bambam’s voices yell at him to come back. Even when they’re drowned in the deep, deafening rumble of a nearby explosion. Even when the walls start to shake, and an intense white light blinds him through his closed lids. He just holds the teenager tighter against him, trying to protect her as much as he can. And he waits.  
  


* * *

  
Jaebeom is running. The whole place is completely destroyed, he has to move rubble and debris to keep moving forward. It’s hard to do with only one hand, the other pressing his phone against his ear. “Where, Jackson ?!” he yells, cursing as yet another rock lands on his foot. He’ll have a tone of bruises when he gets away from this hell. He doesn’t want to imagine the state in which Youngjae is right now.  
  


“I don’t _know_ !!” Jackson shrieks, and Jaebeom curses again, out loud this time.   
  


He knows there’s a whole team searching for Youngjae and the girl right now. Still, he _has_ to be part of it. He received a call from Jackson half an hour before, telling him that Youngjae was in danger. It was a deal they made, that he would call him in case of emergency, one Youngjae doesn’t know about. He would kill Jaebeom if he knew that he gave someone his number despite how dangerous it is for him. Especially if his only excuse was that he _cared_.

  
Luckily, he was on a mission not too far away. He drove there, faster than ever, worried as fuck. And now he’s roaming the warehouse, trying, almost in vain it seems, to spot his friend. 

  
He hangs up on Jackson. He’s useless anyway, Youngjae hasn’t given any sign of life since the explosion, so he doesn’t know anything about his position. Jaebeom would rather be able to use his other hand than hear his panicked shrieks through the speakers. And he keeps looking around, wondering just how _huge_ this fucking building is. 

  
It takes him a whole ten minutes to finally find him. He’s lying on the floor, liveless, a young woman crying next to him. The back of his shirt is entirely burnt. So is his skin. Jaebeom’s breath hitches and in the next second he’s cradling the limp body into his arms, mindful not to touch his injuries.   
  


“Youngjae !” he breathes. “Youngjae, it’s me, it’s Hyung !” He gently presses a thumb against the younger’s neck to check his pulse, heaving a deep sigh of relief when he realizes that he’s alive, and breathing. Thank _god_. 

“Youngjae, hey, wake up,” he murmurs, softly shaking him. “C’mon, c’mon, wake up…”

  
Youngjae is tough. He’ll survive, Jaebeom tells himself. He knows it. Still, he’s starting to panic. Out of all the people that could have gotten hurt, it had to be him. One of the rare people Jaebeom considers as a friend - if they can be called that. Acquaintances, maybe.   
  


He keeps on shaking him almost desperately, _needing_ to see him open his eyes. He does, after a while, and Jaebeom has never felt so happy. Or he probably has. He doesn’t know, he doesn’t remember. It doesn’t matter right now.  
  


Youngjae’s eyelids flutter open, and Jaebeom watches with a grin as he looks around, confused and disoriented. “Hi, Youngjae,” he chuckles. But the man doesn’t answer, doesn’t even spare him a glance. His eyes are red as they move around, and the elder frowns again. Something isn’t right. It doesn’t _feel_ right. “Hey, Youngjae, you okay ?” he worriedly asks. Once again, he gets no answer.  
  


What the fuck, he thinks, his heart beating hard once again as Youngjae releases a shaky breath and sits up, still looking everywhere but at him or at the girl. “What the fuck,” he says, voicing Jaebeom’s thoughts in a way that would have made him laugh if he wasn’t so scared and confused. “What the hell ?!” he repeats, louder this time, almost yelling.   
  


“Youngjae… ?” the elder calls, but he’s suddenly pushed away, and he falls back when Youngjae presses the palm of his hands against his own eyes, shaking like a leaf.   
  


“WHAT THE FUCK,” he screams, “Why can’t I see anything ? Why can’t I _hear_ anything ?!! What the fuck, who are you, where --”  
  


 _Oh._ Oh, Jaebeom understands now. The explosion must have blinded him for a while. And deafened him. He looks over at the girl, who is staring at Youngjae with shocked eyes and trembling hands. She’s got headphones around her neck and he can recognize Youngjae’s glasses at her feet. Ah, it makes sense. He protected her and faced the explosion without any protection. No wonder his vision and hearing got damaged.  
  


He glances back to Youngjae and his heart breaks. The boy is freaking out. He’s never seen him like that. Youngjae is always so cool, so positive and brave. And now he’s having a full mental breakdown, shaking and having trouble breathing and Jaebeom -- he can’t let that keep going. He has promised himself and Jackson that he would protect Youngjae. And he will.  
  


He can’t think about anything that would make him settle down right now, so Jaebeom just wraps his arms around him and squeezes him tighter than ever, hoping he will at least understand that he doesn’t mean _any_ harm.  
  


He inhales sharply, caught off guard, which is legit since he’s basically cut off from the world right now.  
  


But then he sighs. His breathing calms down and he puts his hands against Jaebeom’s shoulders. And he says, in a soft whisper, “Hyung…”

  
Jaebeom freezes. Youngjae recognized him. He doesn’t know how; maybe from his smell, his touch, whatever, he doesn’t know and he doesn’t _care_ ! Youngjae _recognized him_ . And now he’s calm and quiet. Letting himself be held. He _trusts_ Jaebeom.   
  


Somehow it makes his heart flutter, but he ignores it. He rather focuses on the way Youngjae is maybe a little _too_ calm and pliant in his arms, and when he leans back to look at his face he realises that… He’s passed out. 

* * *

Jaebeom sits down next to the bed, staring at the man lying on it. Of course he brought him to Jinyoung. He’s not the doctor normally assigned to him, but Jaebeom doesn’t really trust anyone else. It was either Jinyoung healing him, or Jaebeom himself. There was no way he would have let anyone else touch Youngjae. And, let's be honest. If it was him it would have been a disaster. He’s a killer, not a healer.  
  


“How long can you stay ?” Jinyoung mindlessly asks, more focused on applying cream on the younger’s back. Jaebeom can only imagine how painful it would be if he was conscious. “A few days at most.” he sighs. “I’m still in the middle of a mission and my targets will find it suspicious if I’m away for too long.”  
  


The doctor nods, sending him a glance before walking away to take whatever he needs on a shelf. “So, tell me. We haven’t seen you for months. How has the spying life been to you ?” he inquires. It bothers Jaebeom a little bit. He knows Jinyoung is just being friendly - him and Youngjae are the closest things to friends he has, after all. But he’s not supposed to give out any information about his missions and he doesn’t like being asked. 

  
“I’ve been alright.” he answers, elusive. And then, both because he wants to change the topic, and because he _really_ wants to know, “How he is ?”  
  


“He’ll survive.” he affirms and it’s not what Jaebeom wanted to hear. Not because he doesn’t want Youngjae to survive, of course he does, but just because he knew that already. What he wants to know, is how he’s going, if he’s suffering, if he’ll wake up before he leaves. They’ve been away from each other for so long, he would at least like to be able to talk to him.   
  


Jinyoung smirks without looking at him, still focused on the hurt body on the bed. He’s picking up small rocks that have been projected into his skin from the force of the explosion. “Are you that worried about your _Dongsaeng_ , JB ?” he asks.

“What’s that even supposed to mean ?” he retorts curtly, sensing the teasing. He knows Jinyoung quite well by now. Knows what hides under the angelic looks.

“I heard he calls you Hyung,” the brunette chuckles.

“He does.”

“Bet you absolutely hate it, right ?” he turns to look at him with a mocking grin. Jaebeom answers with an arched brow.

“Why would I ? It’s respectful.”

“JB. Nobody uses honorifics anymore.”

“He does.” he snaps again, getting a bit annoyed. Jinyoung is too curious sometimes. It’s a personality trait that lots of smart people share.   
  


“How come ?” he hums, and Jaebeom decides he’s had enough looking at him working. He resumes his staring at the hurt man instead. He’s kinda pretty, despite the burns.

“He said he didn’t want to call me by a lame two-letters nickname that everyone already uses, so I told him to just call me Hyung since I don’t want to tell anyone my real name. He liked the idea, apparently.”  
  


It’s not a weird thing. None of them in the organisation trusts the others all that much. You never know who’s a spy and who isn’t. They all rather be careful and find fake names, sometimes several, to keep themselves safe. Youngjae has been the only person that has ever complained about it.   
  


“ _Seriously, the others’ names are fine !_ ” he had complained one day they were eating together at the cafeteria. “ _I mean, ‘Mark’ and ‘Jackson’ is_ so _American, but_ please, _JB is fucking_ lame _! We can’t be friends if I have to wince every time I call you, dude. Find something else._ ”  
  


Jaebeom had laughed and ruffled his hair. It’s a thing he likes doing. Youngjae’s hair is soft and silky, it feels great under his fingertips. Even now, after having been through a damn explosion, there’s still barely any knot. It makes him smile. It’s gotten a lot longer since last time he saw him. It reminds him of their bet.

  
His gaze and smile and the way he’s petting the boy’s head must have looked a little too fond. Jinyoung stares at him for a second, before he hums and turns around as if he had all the answers he was looking for. And, fortunately, he changes the topic. “He disobeyed direct orders this time.” Jaebeom nods. He knows that. “And he caused an explosion. He’s going to lose a few points at the rankings.”  
  


“It’s Youngjae.” Jaebeom states with a shrug. “He’ll earn them back.”

“I actually don’t think so.” Jinyoung winces, looking more guilty and worried this time, which is… Surprising. And concerning. “JB, you have to understand that his eyes have been almost burnt. His vision is gonna be really damaged. He might never be as good a technician as he was before.”  
  


Jaebeom suddenly feels very cold. The news makes him frown and his heart breaks once more. Youngjae _loves_ being at the top of the rankings. He’s cheeky, arrogant and competitive. Always brags about how he’s the best bomb defuser ever, and they can never complain or deny because it’s undoubtedly true. His rank proves it.   
  


He’s so cute when he does that. So bratty and it makes him so _real_ . Each time he succeeds in yet another mission and Jaebeom is there to celebrate, he asks him “ _Who’s the best ?”_ with a huge smirk and Jaebeom tucks him to his side and answers, “ _T’s you, kiddo._ ”

And each time Jaebeom succeeds too and is elected once again best spy of the organization, he asks him the exact same question and bursts out laughing when Youngjae answers, “ _Heh. Me, of course !_ ”  
  


Some people think he’s annoying, but Jaebeom mostly finds it endearing. But it also means that Youngjae would be pretty depressed if he suddenly ended up at the bottom of the rankings. Especially if it’s just because he was brave enough to save a damsel in distress when nobody else wanted to. He's never seen a depressed Youngjae and doesn’t want to. He’s always either happy or stern. Either cute or hot, in Jaebeom’s opinion.

  
“People with glasses are your type, ain’t them ? He’ll look cute wearing them,” Jinyoung attempts to cheer him up, patting his shoulder. Jaebeom doesn’t answer. He won’t look cute ever again if he loses his playful smiles and mischievous laughs.   
  


“Anyway, you should get some rest. Bet you haven’t done that a lot those past months, huh ? There’s a bed over here.” Jinyoung gestures to the right of the infirmary. “I’ll wake you up when Youngjae does. It should take a few more hours though.”  
  


Jaebeom sighs. Yeah, he should do that, he figures. There’s no point in staying awake if Youngjae isn’t. He came back for him, after all. 

  
He stands up and walks to the free bed, discarding his leather jacket on the way. He lies down on his back, arms crossed under his head. “How’s it going with Jackson ?” he asks, closing his eyes but knowing it’ll take a bit of time before he feels ready to fall asleep. Jinyoung’s voice is smooth and soothing, maybe it will lull him to sleep.

  
“We only broke up twice since you were gone,” the doctor replies. He sounds tired. Jaebeom should feel sorry, but he knows that’s how they work, so he merely chuckles.

“Wow, getting steady, aren’t we ?”

“Tch. Yeah, you can laugh, asshole. At least I have a boyfriend.”

“How long till the next fight ?” he asks teasingly.

“We’re getting along really fine those days. I’d say two weeks, maybe three.”

“Aren’t you sad that you keep breaking up and getting back together all the time ?”  
  


Jinyoung keeps silent, taking a few seconds to think about it. Jaebeom hears the clicking of a few vials and cups of medicine. Then a sigh. “Nah, I’ve learnt to enjoy it while it lasts. He’s really good to me, you know ? I’ll be sad when he’ll go fuck Youngjae and Bambam for a few days like he always does when we fight, but then he’ll come begging me to take him back and I’ll be happy again. That’s just… How my life is supposed to be, I guess.”

  
Jaebeom hums. He probably is a huge romantic, because he can’t imagine himself ever accepting that kind of behaviour from a partner. But if Jinyoung is fine with it… Who is he to judge ? It’s not like a healthy relationship is easy to find these days. 

  
“Just sleep.” Jinyoung exhales. “Don’t worry about me. Focus on Youngjae.”

“That goes without saying.” Jaebeom mumbles through a yawn. Then, knowing he’s safe, he lets himself fall into a deep slumber, one that he hasn't experienced for weeks.  
  


* * *

  
Jinyoung lied. Youngjae is gone when Jaebeom wakes up. He knows he’s slept a long time, because the sun is gone when he opens his eyes and at that time of the year, night falls very late. As soon as he is conscious enough, Jaebeom sits up and eyes Youngjae’s bed. Which is empty. Of course, he panics for a second.

  
Jinyoung enters the room just in time, with his eternal black hair and white lab coat. He notices Jaebeom’s gaze and chuckles lightly. “He told me not to wake you up.” he states. “He seemed pretty annoyed. He told me he would be right back, but it’s been an hour.”

  
Jaebeom feels anger rising inside of him. Because Jinyoung let Youngjae go alone despite how reckless they both know he can be, but also because, “You didn’t tell him why I was here, did you ?!”  
  


Jinyoung shrugs. “Just that you interrupted a mission.” Jaebeom groans, curses under his breath. He hadn’t planned to tell Youngjae that. It’s obvious, from what Jinyoung said and from how well Jaebeom knows him, that he’s figured out the rest by himself and of course he was going to be angry about it. He hates it when his Hyung does something that could put him in danger even just a tiny bit. 

  
He sighs, a bit dejected, because the last thing he wanted during the small amount of time he had before going back, was Youngjae to be mad at him. He curses himself for having fallen asleep. He knows Youngjae way better than Jinyoung does, he could have handled this a lot better. Yet now, the deed is done and he has to fix it. He gets up quietly, takes his leather jacket and plans to leave the room without saying anything to Jinyoung. He’s a bit mad at him too if he has to be honest.   
  


But of course, he’s interrupted. He feels a firm hand on his shoulder and the doctor’s soothing voice tells him, “You should rest a bit more, JB, you’re exhau--”

“You still need to heal him don’t you ?” Jaebeom interrupts. “I’ll find him and bring him back.”

Then he’s gone.   
  


He doesn’t have to search for too long. He knows Youngjae’s hiding places quite well by now. He finds him in the training room, his back, now covered with a thin shirt, turned to him as he hits a dummy again and again and again with a combat knife. Jaebeom sighs, both relieved and even more worried. This reckless boy, really…  
  


“Hey, Youngjae.” he greets, faking casualness and trying his best seductive smirk. Except the boy doesn’t turn around, doesn’t greet him back, doesn’t even stop hitting that poor dummy. Jaebeom could almost think he didn’t hear him, his hearing got damaged too after all. But he noticed the way he tensed as soon as he walked in. He knows he’s here. And he’s ignoring him on purpose. 

  
Jaebeom huffs to camouflage his chuckle. Alright, no faking, no pretending they were fine then. It’s better that way, Jaebeom likes being honest with him. He gets closer, just behind the boy, who stills and tenses when he feels two hands firmly gripping his wrist. Jaebeom would like to back hug him, they’ve never been shy with skinship. But he’s seen how hurt his back was, and he doesn’t want to touch it when the mere feeling of his shirt brushing against the burnt skin must already be a torture. So instead he leaves a small gap between them and focuses on pulling Youngjae’s fingers from where they are still clutching the knife, one by one and as softly as he can. “Come on Youngjae, stop this.” he breathes against his ear, throwing the weapon aside. “I’m trying to talk to you and you’re hurt.”

“Fuck off.” Youngjae answers harshly, trying to shake his grip off, but Jaebeom squeezes his wrist tighter and his other hand goes to his hip, not letting him get away. He sighs again. Youngjae is hard to deal with when he’s like that.   
  


“Hey… I’m trying to be nice here. How are you feeling ?” he asks with the softest voice he can manage. Youngjae puts more force into his struggling and eventually manages to turn around and he pushes against his chest. “How do you _think_ I’m going ?!” he huffs, his voice a bit too loud and Jaebeom winces, gripping his wrists again when he tries to push him one more time. “Everything is blurry and my back and lungs ache and you've been _stupid_ enough to go back here when you weren’t _supposed to_ , you dumbass !”  
  


Jaebeom chuckles. “Is that why you’re mad ?” he asks even though he knows it is. “It’s okay, I have a plan, I made sure it wouldn’t be dangerous.” he promises, Youngjae’s angry face making him smile because he knows it’s hiding nothing but concern.   
  


It doesn’t seem to reassure him though. He leans back and suddenly looks calmer, but darker. He’s shooting daggers at him with his eyes. It’s good, Jaebeom prefers stern and fed up Youngjae than the violent and loud one. Because he’s easier to deal with, and because he’s a bit hot too, honestly. Like when he takes a very deep and low voice and asks him, “how did you know ?”, so dark and powerful. Jaebeom bites the inside of his cheek to suppress both a smirk and a shiver.

“Jackson called me.” he answers easily. It’s better to stop hiding it now, he would have figured it out eventually. He also knows that Youngjae can’t stay mad at him for too long. 

“Jackson has your _number_ ?!” he exclaims, bewildered. “Hyung what the fuck, do you realise how dangerous it could be ?! How _careless_ can you be ?!!”  
  


He’s starting to be loud again and Jaebeom can’t have that, so he releases his wrist and his hands brush up his arms until he can cup his face as softly as possible. “Hey, hey, calm down.” he murmurs, not too quietly because he still doesn’t know how good the boy can hear. “Look at me, I’m fine, see ?” he grins happily. “Nothing is gonna happen to me, the number Jackson has is from a phone that no one knows about and his contact name is something that nobody will find suspicious. It’s okay, don’t worry…”

“I’m not worried and I don’t care about you being fine or not.” Youngjae snaps back and it almost makes Jaebeom laugh, because he knows he doesn’t mean any of this. “This isn’t about you getting hurt but about the job you’re supposed to do _properly_ ! You shouldn’t be here. And you shouldn’t have taken me to Jinyoung.”   
  


He’s scolding him sternly, but honestly Jaebeom is so used to it by now that it almost has no effect on him other than reminding him of how cutely attractive Youngjae is when he pretends to be mad. “It’s okay,” he repeats, not able to prevent himself from smirking anymore. Youngjae is really cute and really amusing when he's like this. “I’m fine. And actually… You can just consider that we’re even now, okay ? I’ve been wanting to do something for you since the day you saved me, you know…”  
  


The shock making its way on Youngjae’s face doesn’t surprise him, but the anger does. “Shut UP !!” he yells and pushes him away again. “You don’t _talk_ about it ! You don’t _mention_ it !! Don’t you dare --”

“Hey.” Jaebeom cuts him off, panicked, and immediately grabs a hold of him again. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I know you hate when I talk about that day, but I just. I just can’t forget, you know that, right ?”

“I don’t care if you forget or not I just don’t want you to TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN !”

“Shhsh, okay, I won’t… I’m sorry Youngjae. Stop yelling please...”  
  


He hugs him, but it’s a bit tricky to hold him as tight as he would like to when he has to be mindful of his hurt back. It’s enough for him to calm down a little though, and he relaxes in his arms and against his chest after calling him an asshole thrice. They can both lie about how much they like each other, pretend then don’t know it. But they can’t hide their love for hugs and cuddles and skinship. It’s not something they share with lots of people -actually Jaebeom doesn’t share it with anyone else- but it feels good when it’s the two of them, soft and warm and comforting.   
  


Jaebeom sighs again and buries his face in the younger’s silky hair. He would like to talk about it. Because, honestly ? It’s his best memory. Waking up confused and aching and being faced with the prettiest young boy he’s ever seen, telling him, “You’re fine now.” with a gorgeous grin and “We’re gonna take you to a doctor and get you healed.”  
  


It’s his best memory, although he doesn’t have many of them anyway. It happened five years ago now, Jaebeom was nothing but a lost, amnesic teenager who could only remember his own name. Which was useless, because he didn’t tell it to anyone. But waking up to such an angel, he’d been mesmerized. Hypnotized. He’s never known what happened to him, why he’s been taken as a hostage and how he’s been saved. He’s never asked. It doesn’t matter, he understood quickly that it was all in his past and that his future was there, in this rebell organisation, with his beautiful savior.   
  


He would like to talk about it. To tell Youngjae how thankful he was, and still is, for saving him and bringing him here and giving him a reason to live and to fight for. He also wants to make it up to him, to be useful for him. But Youngjae doesn’t want to hear about it. He doesn’t want anyone to mention that day. He’s never said why, never explained exactly what happened. But Jaebeom knows. How close he was to dying that day. How if Youngjae had brought him five minutes later to the doctor, he wouldn’t have made it. And how much Youngjae hates the idea of it.  
  


It’s kinda funny, to be honest, how hard he tries to pretend he doesn’t care about Jaebeom at all, when the mere idea of him dying, the mere memory of him being hurt and unconscious can make him yell and panic so bad. When he worries so much about his missions, about him not being safe, about him being careless when, honestly, he’s absolutely anything but that. He’s super careful all the time and never does anything that could make his targets suspect him. That’s what makes him the best spy of the whole agency. Youngjae is just his one and only exception. And he hates it. But can anyone blame Jaebeom, when Youngjae is the first thing he could ever remember ? When he’s his oldest and best memory ?  
  


“Don’t be mad at me, please ?” he asks in a soft voice as he pets his Dongsaeng’s head, fingers tangling into soft hair and scratching his scalp _just right._ Youngjae groans from where he’s hiding his face into the crook of his neck. “Of course I’m mad.” he mumbles, but the aggressivity is gone and he presses harder against his chest, hugging back just as tight as Jaebeom wishes he could. 

“Don’t, please.” he insists. “I’m here only for a few days. Let’s just… Spend time together, okay ? Let’s just enjoy being together, please.” he almost feels like he’s begging, but honestly he doesn’t give a single fuck. Of course he would beg for Youngjae’s attention if he needed to. But the thing is… Youngjae gives him attention freely and easily. Most of the time he doesn’t even have to ask.   
  


He smiles when Youngjae sighs heavily, but nods. “Okay…” he murmurs. “But only if you promise not to do that again.”

“But…”

“No. Don’t interrupt a mission for my sake ever again. It’s not worth it, you would arrive late if anything happened to me anyway. Just… Don’t.” he sighs, then repeats, “Don’t.” and, “Promise me you won’t put yourself in danger for me again.”

  
Jaebeom hesitates. He would put himself in danger for Youngjae a thousand times. He’s just… Important. Actually he would do a lot of crazy, dumb things for Youngjae if he asked. It’s obvious for him by now that he’d _die_ for him. And he doesn’t want to promise anything, because he knows he would do it again if he needed to. But he also knows two things.

  
One, Youngjae won’t let him get away with this that easily. He probably won’t talk to him at all if he refuses to promise this, even if they’ve missed each other so bad and they _know it_. And he really really doesn’t want one of his only friends to ignore him during the small amount of time he can spend here at the headquarters.

Two, he _was_ actually pretty much useless this time around. He couldn’t do anything to save Youngjae’s eyes and ears and whatever other part of him that got hurt. He was late and he wasn’t even that far away. What would happen when he goes on a mission abroad ? Or even at the other side of the country ? He can’t do anything if something bad happens. He can’t protect him…  
  


“Hyung.” Youngjae insists, breaking the hug so he can look at him in the eyes and Jaebeom almost laughs at how intimating he’s trying to be. 

He huffs something that sounds like a mix between a chuckle and a sigh. Okay. He knew it already anyway. He’s made to kill, not to protect. He wishes he could though.

“Yeah, I promise.” he nods and just because he needs to say it, “I missed you.” He tucks Youngjae back into his arms, one hand holding his nape and the other touching his back so low that it’s almost on his butt. He’d like to hold his waist like he usually does, Youngjae has a thin waist and it’s so comfortable to just let his arms rest in the crook of it. This will have to do for now.   
  


“I’m happy to see you.” he breathes, honest and real, because he doesn’t mind being cheesy when it comes to Youngjae. The younger hates it though, he never answers those kinds of sentences and this time is no exception. He just hums against his chest, would have answered “I know.” normally, but he seems pretty exhausted right now. Jaebeom almost cooes at him, because he’s adorable when he’s sleepy. But Youngjae would have hit him if he did, so he just bites his lips and tries to muffle his chuckle.   
  


“It’s funny.” he states a while later. Youngjae makes a confused sound, not bothering moving from his spot, seeming to find Jaebeom’s shoulder too comfortable. “I mean…” Jaebeom hesitates. Should he say that ? “We just… We don’t even know each other’s name and yet we’re so close. I don’t… remember how friendships worked before all of this happened but… It seems funny to me. Like… Weird kinda ? People don't usually do that. I think.” he stutters, averting his eyes shyly even though nobody can see him.

“You do.” Youngjae mumbles sleepily. 

“Huh ?” he makes, confused.

“You do know my real name, Hyung.”   
  


Jaebeom freezes, tenses. His hand stops caressing Youngjae’s hair. What does he mean he knows his real name ? He doesn’t know any name Youngjae goes by except, well… Youngjae. But he didn’t… He wouldn’t, would he ? It’s not his real name… Is it ?  
  


Youngjae must have sensed his astonishment. It’s not hard, they can’t really hide anything from each other when they’re so close. He giggles sleepily and pats Jaebeom’s back. “Youngjae’s my real name.” he confirms. “I don’t see the point of hiding it.”

“But-- wha-- but--”  
  


Another giggle interrupts him, it sounds so cute that Jaebeom’s heart almost melts. He pulls himself together again, joining with a chuckle of his own and grinning against Youngjae’s hair. “For someone who keeps telling me to be more careful… That’s unexpected.” he jokes. Youngjae shrugs and hums again.

“It’s not like anybody _knows_ it’s my real name. It suits me, so most of them think it’s fake. I don’t care anyway, I’m just a bomb defuser. I don’t need to hide who I am.” he caresses his back, up and down, twice and Jaebeom hums in appreciation. “Anyway, we’ve been hugging for too long Hyung, bring me back to the infirmary, I’m tired.” he orders. Jaebeom can’t help but laugh at how bossy he's suddenly being. But of course, he’s going to comply.

“Alright, _genius_ ,” he chuckles. “Let’s get you back to Jinyoung before he kills me for taking too long.”  
  


Youngjae wants to be carried all the way there, but it’s quite hard when Jaebeom can’t even hold him properly. He ends up giving him a piggyback ride, not caring about all the weird stares they get in the corridors. Youngjae falls asleep on him halfway there and Jinyoung barely raises a brow when he sees him putting him on the bed with all the care in the world. Jaebeom goes to sleep too, not bothering to go to his own room because he wants to stay near Youngjae, and he closes his eyes with a grin, thinking of how they’re fine now and how he’ll get to spend time with his favorite boy the next few days. He can’t wait. 

* * *

Jaebeom immediately freezes when he walks into the cafeteria. He's ready to go, having just finished a meeting with his boss to clarify everything that happened before he can leave again for a few weeks. And he wanted to see Youngjae one last time, to bid him goodbye, to get a hug maybe, if he was lucky. What he didn't expect, was to spot him making out with Bambam in front of everyone else, in the middle of the crowded room, with Jackson hugging him from behind.   
  


He knows Bambam and he sleep together occasionally. He also knows Jackson joins them whenever he fights with Jinyoung. He has always known. Yet somehow, he thought… the day of his departure maybe… he wouldn't. 

  
It was a mistake, apparently. Youngjae doesn't seem to care enough about his departure. Or about _him_ . He thought he wouldn't kiss anyone in front of him. He had never. Neither had he ever talked about his… affairs. It was like a rule between them. It doesn't make sense, but it was.   
  


Jaebeom feels a weird feeling wash over him. He has no right to claim Youngjae at all. They're not dating, he's not even sure they truly like each other, even if their relationship has always been quite ambiguous. Still, it's common-sense, that when Jaebeom is here, Youngjae should always pay him more attention than others. It has always been like that. He doesn't understand why it so suddenly changed.  
  


He's not sure he really wants to talk to him in the end. Youngjae hasn't spotted him yet, so he figures he'll just… turn around and leave. Without a proper goodbye. It fills his mouth with a bitter taste that he just wants to get rid of, but… he's never felt the need to talk to anyone before leaving. Why would he with Youngjae. He's just another boy in the organisation, isn't he ? It shouldn't matter.  
  


Just when he's about to leave though, he hears a voice. A loud " _Hyung !_ " echoes in the room, making everybody stop what they've been doing and raise their heads. Jaebeom sighs and bites his lip, turning around very, very slowly. Of course Youngjae was going to notice. Even with his useless eyes, he always seems to know when Jaebeom is around.  
  


"Are you leaving ?" he asks with the softest voice, as he steps before him, not quite as far from each other as they could be. Jaebeom nods, swallows nervously. 

"Yeah. I didn't know you were… busy. Sorry." he apologizes, gesturing toward where Bambam still is, but without breaking their heavy eye-contact.

  
A light blush, barely noticeable to the untrained eyes, spreads over the younger's cheeks. It's funny how he still pretends he doesn't care, yet reacts so cutely each time the two of them talk. It would have made him grin normally, but it doesn't seem like the right moment. He shouldn't be happy right now.

  
"Ah, mmh, yeah uh…" Youngjae mutters, scratching his nape in a gesture that makes him look way too shy. "They knew I was a bit… down. Because you know, you being away for an undetermined amount of time again. So they were trying to cheer me up." He's talking softly, even adding a barely audible "Sorry." at the end, and Jaebeom is overwhelmed by a wave of worry and something that feels strangely like sadness, because he likes the bubbly, mischievous Youngjae way better. But there's a bit of happiness in the mix of feelings washing over him too, surprisingly. He doesn't _want_ Youngjae to be sad because he's leaving. But he's a bit glad that he is.

  
Because it means something. Probably. It should mean something, right ? Youngjae wouldn't say that to just anyone. Not even to Bambam. Especially not while looking so openly flustered.  
  


"Youngjae." he murmurs softly, using his thumb to tilt the younger's jaw up a little. Youngjae is a proud guy, he should never look down, it doesn't suit him. "If you need a kiss to feel better…" he pauses, hesitates for a while.   
  


"...I can do that." he states eventually, and almost smiles at how dumbstruck the boy seems, and at the pretty gasp he lets out. Almost. If he wasn't so anxious maybe.  
  


Youngjae looks left and right with even redder cheeks than before. Jaebeom watches him, waiting for an answer. If he gets rejected, he thinks, there probably won't be anything that will make him want to come back anymore. Because he probably wouldn't stay friends with Youngjae. He cares for him. A whole lot. But he also… desires him. In a way that he can't really understand, and that he doesn't dare thinking about too much. But he's sure that he's never felt that way for anyone. 

  
He doesn't, however. Reject him, that is. Instead he softly takes his hand and whispers, "not here." Jaebeom doesn't ask himself why Youngjae can kiss Bambam in front of everyone, and not him. He doesn't even think about it. He just nods and lets himself be led. He feels happy, he thinks. And excited. A strange yet somehow familiar tinkling in his belly.  
  


Youngjae pulls him along until they reach a corridor that is very close to the door by which Jaebeom is supposed to leave. He doesn't think of it. Instead he checks that no one is around, and when he's sure they're alone, he raises his hands to cup the other boy's face as softly as he can.  
  


"Are you sure ?" he asks, even though their faces are inches apart already, and he feels Youngjae's breath landing on his lips. It's addictive, and they've barely even started.   
  


The " _yes_ " that Youngjae whispers confidently is already muffled by Jaebeom's mouth. He doesn't wait, can't help but feel impatient when his Dongsaeng is so _close_ . So he leans forward as soon as he sees him open his mouth, before he can even say a word. He knew he wasn't going to get a negative answer anyway.  
  


It isn't a sweet kiss, nor a cute one, even if Jaebeom thinks that's what it should have been, ideally. If he knew how to do that. 

  
Jaebeom kisses him seductively, because that's what he's used to do, as a spy. Seduce people. He's become such a good kisser, with time. He licks inside his mouth, nips at his lip, trying to find out what Youngjae likes, or doesn't. Every time his tongue and fingers earn him a pant or an appreciative hum, he does that again, trying and analysing until he's sure that he's right where Youngjae wants him to be; doing just the right thing to pleasure him. He figures that Youngjae likes being held and pulled forward, one arm around his waist and the other placed firmly on his nape; that he enjoys when Jaebeom gives him a lot of slow, but short kisses, giving him a second to breathe and look at each other between each, but surging forward again and again, until their lips are sore and swollen.

  
It's a good enough kiss. He's pretty sure that Youngjae is enjoying himself. So he's quite surprised when the technician pulls away with a wince. He gapes at him, worried. His head still tilted and their lips still so close, he wonders what he's done wrong. 

  
"Don't kiss me like the girls you kill, Hyung," Youngjae whispers. "Kiss me like you mean it."  
  


Jaebeom's heart swells a little. He feels a strange feeling of affection, one he doesn't usually feel after kissing someone. A very warm one. "I mean it," he assures, placing his palm on the younger's jaw, tilting it up a little. They're in the perfect position for a kiss. If someone saw them they would think they were actually still making out, judging from how close they are, and how they are holding each other. Jaebeom would just have to lean a tiny bit forward, and he _wants to_ , god, how much he wants to. But still, he waits. 

  
"Then prove it," Youngjae insists, grip tightening around his jacket. Jaebeom just stares at him, confused. He doesn't know how to do that. He wishes he could though.  
  


Youngjae sighs. "Kiss me like you want to lose control. Or like you want _me_ to lose control. Kiss me good, Hyung."

"Then teach me…" he breathes, making sure that his lips are ghosting seductively over the younger's. Barely a second later he's pushed against a wall and there's a tongue forcing its way into his mouth. Youngjae has one elbow next to Jaebeom's head, making sure he won't move, and the other hand is gripping his hip in a way that hurts just a little bit. He didn't think it was something to enjoy.   
  


But he likes it. He moans into Youngjae's mouth, not even thinking about fighting for dominance, and lets himself get overwhelmed by his Dongsaeng's enthusiasm. There's no control, he finds out. No analysis, no thinking. Just pure want. Pure desire. A little bit of lust, and a lot of feelings. He must be a really bad kisser in the end, he thinks. Because no kiss has ever made him feel that way, that good. And he's pretty sure that he's never made anyone feel that way either.  
  


But this time he means it, so he tries his very best. He kisses back as hard, as wild as Youngjae does, trying to lose control just like he's been told, trying to pour his feelings into the kiss. It's not long until the sharp taste of blood fills his mouth. He doesn't know whose blood it is, because there's too much going on, too much biting and sucking on fragile lips, and he doesn't even _care_ . It's too good. He doesn't want this to end.  
  


When they need to breathe he still can't find it in himself to stop, so he buries his head in Youngjae's neck, sucking on a light mark that Bambam left there before, to make it more visible, to make it _his_ mark. Youngjae hisses, it probably hurts. But he doesn't complain. He _likes_ it.

  
Youngjae is cute and young, handsome in a very sweet, soft way. Yet his smell is sharp, almost aggressive. He smells like melted plastic and dust, overpowered by the strong smell of steel. Just like in his workshop. Jaebeom probably shouldn't love it, but he does. It's so _him_ . So real. There aren't a lot of things that feel real to Jaebeom, he's forgotten so much that all his new memories feel strangely distant to him, like a faded dream. But this. _This_ , is so real. So true. So _honest_ .   
  


"I could do this forever," he confesses against Youngjae's skin. His voice is broken, hoarse. It has Youngjae moaning a little. "I've been wanting to do this forever."

"Then don't stop," the technician pants, holding tight onto his shoulders. "You're doing good…"

  
He moans again when Jaebeom bites down, hard. It's amazing. The sound, the feelings, the way he tenses. But the elder knows they shouldn't keep going, because if they do he'd end up having the boy right here, on the floor, where anyone could walk in on them and as horny as he's feeling right now, as much as he _desires_ him, he doesn't want that. So he slows down, ignoring the younger's pleas, focusing hard on making his heart beat slower. "I should go…" he murmurs.

  
Youngjae doesn't answer. Jaebeom feels it, somehow. His sadness. No matter how much he pretends not to care about anyone, Jaebeom knows better. He cares about Bambam. About Mark and Jackson. Actually, he cares about an awful lot of things, and a bit too much. But not as much as he cares about his _Hyung_ . It's okay though, he can lie. Jaebeom sees right through him.   
  


"Youngjae," he leans back, staring at him softly and he raises his hand to pet his messy hair. He sighs, looking very disappointed, but resigned. Then he nods. 

"Yeah. Goodbye Hyung. See you next time."  
  


Jaebeom feels sad. For some reason, he thinks he could cry right now. He wants to stay here. To hug him. To… never leave him alone again. To never _be_ left alone again.  
  


He can't.   
  


"Jae, promise me something…" he asks, not even noticing he's used this nickname in front of him for the first time. Youngjae winces, he doesn't like promising things. There's too much _trust_ involved for that, and he doesn't usually trust people. Jaebeom hopes he's gonna make him an exception. "When I come back, greet me with a kiss like this, and…" he trails off, playing with his hair and watching intently as Youngjae quietly nods, his face expressionless but his eyes glinting with something that Jaebeom can't yet understand. It's enough for now. "... don't cut your hair." he finishes. 

  
At that Youngjae smirks. "You bet I won't !" he scoffs. It's the last thing he says before Jaebeom leaves. He does it with a smile, but his heart feels heavy. 

  
A few weeks, he tells himself. A few weeks and he'll be back.


	2. Chapter 2

It smells like blood everywhere. He tries to convince himself that he's used to it, but it still makes him want to throw up. They've killed so many people this time. And it was supposed to be a small mission…  
  


"Are you okay ?" he asks Yugyeom, another spy he often works with. He's young, he's barely an adult, but he's good at what he does and he's a cool guy. Jaebeom likes him. Not as much as he likes -- he shouldn't think about it. 

  
"I'm fine. This one is still alive, JB. Finish it, I'll go get the car."   
  


Jaebeom looks down. Next to his left foot, one of the bodies is still moving slightly. He's in pain, groaning as he tries to take his gun that Jaebeom took from him a few minutes ago.   
  


Jaebeom winces. He hates this man more than anyone. He's not usually that sure about his feelings, but  _ this _ particular man, he really can't stand him. 

  
He shoots twice. More blood spreads around on the expensive wooden floor. And just because he can, Jaebeom kicks him hard in the face with his combat boots. The loud cracking sound it makes brings him no satisfaction at all, but it doesn't disgust him as much as it should either. That bastard deserved to suffer even more before dying. 

  
He clicks his tongue, not bothering to look at any of the faces of the people he's killed. He just slaloms between all the bodies, his gun still in his hand even if he knows no one will attack him anymore. He leaves as fast as he can.

  
"I'm driving." he states when he opens the door to the black car waiting for him in front of the building. Yugyeom pulls a face, but changes seat nevertheless. "Alright, but do it fast," he demands as Jaebeom sits down in front of the steering wheel, putting his gun and phones aside. "They might have called reinforcement." 

  
Jaebeom shrugs. He was planning on driving fast anyway. The faster he gets there, the sooner he gets to see--

  
He exhales, trying to focus on the road. Half an hour. In half an hour he'll be at the headquarters and he'll be able to think of him. For now though, he must stay focused. It's not the end of the mission yet. He can't think of him when he's on mission.   
  


When he does get there however, he feels his heart breaking. Youngjae is here, already waiting for him in the corridor, just behind the door. 

  
He's cut his hair.

  
Jaebeom feels like crying. He doesn't, of course, but oh, god, he wants to. He cut his hair. It's heartbreaking. More painful than killing all those men was.

  
It was a bet between the two of them, one that was made to find out which one of them was the best. They promised they wouldn't cut their hair as long as they were on top of the rankings. And at the end of the year, they would compare their hair length and decide who had been the best soldier. It was a bit of an unfair competition, because Jaebeom's hair tends to grow faster than Youngjae's anyway, but it was their way of being playful. Of having fun, if they could call it that.   
  


But Jaebeom doesn't  _ want _ to be the best. He wants  _ Youngjae _ to be better than him. And he wants him to brag about it, to mock him, to tease him until Jaebeom grips his nape hard and until he bursts out laughing, his signature loud laugh. He wanted to fucking lose that competition. He's so sad.   
  


But Youngjae isn't. Or at least he doesn't _ seem _ sad. As soon as he catches sight of him he beams and jogs to him, looking like a happy puppy. Jaebeom feels  _ warm _ , but he still takes a step back and stops him with his arm, making sure he can't get any closer. He tries not to focus on his confused, almost hurt face. He knows he was the one who asked for it. For a welcome-back kiss. But right now…  
  


"I'm covered in blood," he explains. "I wanna take a shower first." Youngjae nods and smiles again, and despite how much Jaebeom doesn't want to touch him when he's so disgusting, he lets him take his hand and pull him along the corridors. He didn't notice it, but he's missed the feeling of their intertwined fingers.

  
"I made sure your usual room would be free." Youngjae happily states as he opens the door to a room that Jaebeom knows by heart. It's probably the only room he's ever felt safe in. Or at least, the only one he remembers. "Go shower," Youngjae pats his shoulder lightly, sending him another heart-warming smile, "I'll get you some clothes."  
  


For the first time since he came back, Jaebeom feels himself smiling. It feels like he's finally complete, somehow. Like something was missing and now it's back. "Okay," he whispers. "Thank you."  
  


He showers as fast as he can. He's gonna be kissed, he thinks, when he gets back into the bedroom. Like last time. He has been kissed since then, but for some reason it wasn't the same at all. It didn't feel, taste, nor mean the same at all. He can't wait to experience that again, to desire something - someone - that much again. He yearns for it.

  
When he gets out of the shower he finds a pill of neatly folded clothes on a nearby stool. They're comfy, a bit too big. It's comforting. Exactly what he needed. Youngjae often seems to know what Jaebeom needs better than he himself does. 

  
He's waiting for him, sitting at the edge of the bed. As soon as he hears Jaebeom closing the bathroom door behind him he puts his phone down on the bedside table. The smile he sends him is soft and honest, and Jaebeom doesn't feel completely at ease until he's sitting right next to him, finally seeing his cute smile and cute face from up close. 

  
Jaebeom smiles, a lazy grin that he knows is making his eyes disappear a bit, and puts a hand on his thigh. "How did you know I was coming back ?" he asks, because that's something he's been wondering about since Youngjae told him he prepared his room for him. 

"Mark told me."

"How did he know ?"

"I don't know ? Your boss told him I guess ?"

"But why did they… tell you ? It's confidential."  
  


At that, Youngjae's lips curve into a calm grin, a glint of joy in his eyes that Jaebeom finds absolutely endearing, and that makes him want to hold him tight. He'll do that in a bit, if he's lucky enough.   
  


"Last time…" Youngjae starts and his grin slowly turns into a smirk, "You interrupted a mission just because I was in danger. And when you had to go back, some people apparently saw us making out in a corridor. Then I suddenly refused to kiss anyone, even Bambam. They noticed, Hyung. They know that there's… something between us."

  
Something.

Between them.  
  


And it's Youngjae who said it. Who admitted that they were, indeed, more than friends. From him it is almost like a confession. It makes Jaebeom feel so so so happy. There's  _ something _ between them.  
  


Yet he's overwhelmed by a powerful pang of guilt, one that feels like he's been stabbed right in the heart. It's painful, he doesn't think he's ever felt so guilty. Because, the way Youngjae said that… Jaebeom understands it as a confession that he hasn't kissed, hasn't slept with anyone since he was gone. That he waited for him. That's he's been thinking that they were… exclusive. 

  
But they aren't. They aren't even dating; and even if they were ! Jaebeom _ did _ sleep around. He's slept with at least four different women these past three weeks. He has told them that he loved them. He has kissed them, held them, fucked them. All the while Youngjae had refused sexual advances, from Bambam, but probably from a lot of other people too. Because Youngjae is attractive as fuck, and also known for sleeping around. Because  _ everyone  _ wants Youngjae.  
  


But he didn't. And, okay, it was just three weeks. People can survive three weeks without having sex. But what would happen next time Jaebeom goes away for months ? Will he still be loyal like that ? And if yes, would he suffer from it ? Would he want Jaebeom to stop fucking other people, too ? But he can't do that. He can't, he wishes he could, he really does, but he can't and --

  
His guilt and sadness and panic must show on his face. It isn't surprising, Jaebeom has no filter when it comes to Youngjae. Of course he was going to notice. He puts a hand on his cheek, one that feels very very soft despite the numerous small cuts and wounds that he earned from his hard work. And his voice is sweeter than ever, when he tells him "I thought you would be delighted to hear that. What's wrong ?"  
  


"Youngjae, I can't --" he swallows hard, his fingers digging into Youngjae's thigh. "We can't be exclusive, it's literally my job, seducing people, and I…  _ Youngjae _ . I'm so happy but so -- I'm so sorry. I can't."   
  


Youngjae sighs. He still has that small grin from earlier. Strangely it doesn't look sad, nor angry. It's just a calm little smile, relaxed and happy. "I know, Hyung." he states, still carefully stroking his cheek. "I actually don't really care."  
  


Jaebeom is… surprised, to say the least. He gapes at him, trying to understand. Will it be just like Jackson and Jinyoung then ? A relationship in which one of them will sleep with other people, while the other suffers from it ? He doesn't want that, he wants Youngjae to be happy, he wants to  _ make _ Youngjae happy. He doesn't want to hurt him. This is not how their relationship was supposed to be. It was supposed to be… fair. Comforting.  _ Soothing.  
  
_

"But, but…" he stutters, confused. "Isn't that unfair to you ? If I have relationships while I'm away and you… don't ?"

"I told you, I don't care…" the younger states, but he chews on his bottom lip and looks away for a second. He looks a tiny bit flustered. If Jaebeom isn't mistaken, he's even blushing a little.  
  


And then he groans, bringing his hand up to pinch at the bridge of his nose. Jaebeom misses the warmth against his cheek as soon as it is gone. "God, I can't believe you're making me be as sappy as you are," he complains. Jaebeom breathes a quiet " _ sorry, _ " knowing that Youngjae hates speaking his mind, but still needing a real explanation, because he really doesn't understand how this will work.   
  


"I didn't kiss anyone, not because I felt pressured by you in any way, but because I didn't  _ want _ to. It wasn't a rule that I made for myself and that I had trouble following. It was just… I didn't… I've been wanting to kiss you for a long time. Only  _ you _ . The rest, the other people, it was because… I… I needed  _ something _ , you know ? But now that I can have you -- I'm happy with having just  _ you _ . I can wait for you to come back. I can… if you focus on me when you're here."  
  


He looks really shy, but at the same time quite confident and determined when he cups Jaebeom's face and pulls him forward a little, until their noses touch. So this is it. He's gonna get kissed. Those pretty lips that no one but him will ever be able to touch… He's happy, if the way his heart is racing is anything to go by. But it still doesn't feel… right.   
  


"Are you sure ?" he mumbles, and this time he's going to give him enough time to answer, not like back then when he didn't wait before kissing him. Because this time it's important. So much more important.

  
He nods. "I'm sure," he says, and his voice is soft, low, but convincing; almost demanding. "But if you really feel bad about it, then let's make a deal." Jaebeom nods fervently. If he gets anything to make it seem a little bit more fair, he'll be happy. And he'll agree without a doubt. "Those people you kiss." Youngjae starts, still so gently holding his face, looking at him in the eyes. "Don't ever kiss them the way you kiss me. Don't hold them the way you hold me, don't be as gentle as you are with me. And later, when we fuck… don't fuck me the way you fuck them. Don't treat me the way you treat them, treat me better. Make me feel better than them. And, most importantly… Don't feel for them the way you feel for me. Don't ever let them mean as much as I mean to you. Think of me more often. Think of me better. Be fake to them. Lie to them. But don't lie to me. I want to be the only one, Hyung, the only one you really care for. The only one with whom you don't fake it."   
  


It goes without saying, Jaebeom thinks, as he looks at him in wonder. Nobody has ever made him feel as good as Youngjae does. Nobody has ever made him think as much as Youngjae does. Nobody is as important. It's not even a rule, it's only natural. But if Youngjae wants him to be a bad lover to other people, then he'll be just that. Youngjae is the only one he has ever wanted to make happy anyway. And if this is enough… then he's happy to.  
  


"Okay…" he whispers. A second later, Youngjae is kissing him.  _ Yes _ . He's missed this. It's so much better, so much more exciting. Overwhelming, even. He feels something new in his stomach, like something is exploding and growing there, warming his entire body. It feels like pleasure, but not in a physical way, if it makes sense. It probably doesn't. His feelings never make sense, but right now they feel so good, it really doesn't matter. 

  
They lay down, Youngjae hovering over Jaebeom, kissing him senseless. His head is spinning, his body on fire, sparks of electricity running up and down his spine each time he touches a bit of soft, milky skin. He's holding him by the nape with both hands, making sure he stays here, right against him, their tongues dancing together. It seems useless, Youngjae doesn't look like he wants to go anywhere. Still he holds him tight, just like he promised himself he would. And he basks in the pleasure he feels, in the joy that expands in his chest.  
  


It's only when he feels cold fingers making their way under his oversized shirt, softly stroking his stomach, that he gasps and breaks their kiss. "I'm really tired…" he mumbles, a bit anxious. Immediately the fingers are gone and Youngjae is lying next to him instead of between his thighs. "Okay," he whispers, but keeps kissing him. It's softer. Slower. Less aggressive, more soothing. Jaebeom turns to his side to face him better and brushes his palm up and down the younger's bare biceps, humming in appreciation. His skin is soft, but a bit cold. He wants to warm it.

  
"Who do you care about, Hyung ?" Youngjae whispers against his lips. It's soft and silent around them, even more so when Youngjae covers them with a warm blanket. "Yugyeom," Jaebeom answers honestly, breaking away just a second before kissing him again. Then he hesitates. "Jinyoung," he adds after a bit, because he really thinks he does. It's not that he especially wants to protect Jinyoung or anything, it's just that… he's a friend. If he came to disappear one day, he would be sad. He keeps thinking, but nobody comes to his mind anymore. It's hard to focus when a tongue is so gently stroking his own.

  
He presses Youngjae against his chest, holding him tighter when he states, " _ You. _ " He gives him another kiss. "More than anyone,  _ you _ ." And another one. The sound that the technician makes against his lips sounds like a mix between a moan and a purr, Jaebeom loves it.   
  


"I only care about you," Youngjae confesses when they eventually break apart after what felt like ages of making out, their lips sore and their lungs empty, but their chest full of what feels like satisfaction. Jaebeom's heart is beating harder and faster than when he had to kill his targets earlier, but he's never felt so relaxed. He shakes his head. "It's not true." He kisses the boy's shoulder, licking at a mole that was usually covered by a shirt, but the one he's wearing right now is so big that it has fallen down his shoulder somewhen between their kisses. "You care about Bambam." he states, before licking again, a bit higher. Youngjae shakes his head, but he's whimpering, his fingers holding tight onto his Hyung's broad shoulders. Jaebeom pays him no mind. "About Mark and Jackson too," he keeps going, nipping at his collarbone. Youngjae shakes his head again, but he's blushing harder than ever. He's flustered, because he hates being told the truth. Jaebeom chuckles against his skin. "You cared about that girl you saved. You cared about  _ me  _ when you saved me."

"Don't --"

"Shhhsh," Jaebeom interrupts him with a quick peck on his cute chapped lips. "You care about unknown people. You care about them even if you'll only meet them once. You care about them, more than you care about yourself." He places another deep, slow kiss on his lips, thumbing at his jaw, enjoying how soft his skin is. "But  _ me _ ." he states. "You care about  _ me _ , the current me more. Enough to admit it out loud."  
  


He leans back after a last kiss, thinking that he has overwhelmed Youngjae enough for now. He keeps stroking his face though, looking at him with a smile that he can only describe as  _ fond _ . He doesn't think he's ever looked at anyone like that. He doesn't remember it, nor does he want to. 

  
"I do…" Youngjae exhales as he tries to catch his breath, his cheeks all red and warm and his palms still clenching Jaebeom's shoulders. He's pretty like this. Gorgeous, even. Even if…  
  


"You cut your hair." he mumbles, taking a strand between his fingers. It looks great, the shorter hair, especially since it is now dyed in black, replacing the previous dark brown. It suits him, but still, it's so sad…  
  


Youngjae's smile doesn't fade, even if it looks a bit shy now. "Yeah…" he sighs softly, petting his chest. The cold fingertips against his warmer skin, even through the thin fabric of his shirt, make him shiver. It's so intimate. "It took a bit of time for my contact lenses to get ready. I was forbidden to go on a mission until then so… I lost a lot of points this month. Don't worry though, I'll be the best again next month. Trust me," he adds with a playful smirk, his eyes sparkling with mischief and cheekiness. Jaebeom smiles. 

"Maybe I should cut mine too then…"

"Don't." Youngjae curtly says. "It's the rule of the game, you can't cut it. And also…" he beams, tucking Jaebeom's hair behind his ear in a gesture that is way too romantic for the elder's weak heart. "You look great with long hair."   
  


He's not used to blushing. He never does. But this once he can feel his cheeks getting warmer with each second he spends staring at the boy's warm eyes. Feeling a bit too flustered, he hides his face against Youngjae's neck, holding him tight so he can't push him away. Youngjae doesn't even try though, he giggles and wraps his arm around his waist. "Sleep now," he chuckles, pecking his forehead one last time.   
  


Falling asleep next to him, cuddled against him, is warm and soft and smells like steel, Jaebeom finds out. He wishes he could do this every night.  
  


* * *

  
Jaebeom wakes up feeling something strangely warm and squishy in his arms. It’s comfortable and it smells nice, but he’s confused. When he lets his eyes flutter open to see what it is, he finds out that it’s a Youngjae and that this Youngjae is already awake and staring at him with a blinding smile.   
  


“Creepy…” he mumbles, stirring and closing his eyes again, but he can’t fight off a smile. He can’t help but press a quick peck against his skin blindly either. He doesn’t know where it landed, but he doesn’t care because Youngjae is giggling prettily very close to his ear and he’s so  _ warm  _ and the bed is so comfy, Jaebeom thinks he won’t ever be able to get up. 

“I’m not creepy,” Youngjae whispers and Jaebeom’s eyes fly open again when he feels a kiss against his  _ own  _ skin. He would never have thought that Youngjae would reciprocate. It seemed like a too cheesy thing for him to do. “You’re just pretty when you sleep Hyung. I had never seen you like this.”  
  


He has, Jaebeom thinks. When he was unconscious and seconds away from dying. But it’s probably not the same thing at all and he doesn’t dare mention it anyway. He thinks he talks about it a bit too much. It’s not his fault though, he  _ thinks  _ about it a lot too.   
  


Instead he figures he’ll just keep quiet and shower Youngjae with kisses, because he doesn’t seem to mind cheesy things anymore and because he just can. He doesn’t stop even when Youngjae tries to push him away and they somehow end up having a tickling battle that Jaebeom lets Youngjae win, because he wouldn’t have given up otherwise. He giggles against the boy's shoulder as he brags about still being the strongest and nibbles on his shirt when he scolds him for laughing while he’s being serious. He earns a playful hit on his chest. Three, actually. He never thought they could be so… Happy. So free of worries and concerns, even for a while. He can’t help but laugh again. Youngjae tells him he laughs too much and he answers that Youngjae laughs too loud. Make it four hits.   
  


“Say, Jae…” he wonders a while later, when the technician has made himself comfortable on top of him, and his weight against his chest is the most soothing thing he’s ever known. “How will it work now ? Are we… Dating ?”

Youngjae groans and buries his face in his chest. “God, do you really have to make everything so cheesy ?” he complains, but Jaebeom hears the smile in his voice. 

“I just want to know how to act,” he chuckles, ruffling his hair that is tousled already anyway. “Do you want to hide it from others ? Should we act like nothing happened ?”

“Hell no, what the fuck.” Youngjae crosses his arms on top of his chest and lets his chin rest against them, scrutinizing his face with a look that is strangely serious. “I told you they already know.”

“But the other time… You wouldn’t kiss me in front of everyone, and…”

“Tsk, silly you.” Youngjae rolls his eyes and Jaebeom feels relieved when he sees him smile again, even though he hadn’t even realized he was feeling anxious. “Of course I didn’t want to have my first kiss with… the man I… with  _ you  _ in front of them in the middle of the cafeteria. It doesn’t mean I want to hide you. Hell, I want to be able to kiss you whenever I want. I don’t care about them all, they’ll talk, but I don’t give a fuck.”   
  


Jaebeom would like to answer, would probably say something really stupid like “yes, please” or even “thank you”, but he’s silenced by Youngjae’s lips and he won’t complain. They’re soft and hot against his own and this time they move slowly, not aggressively like before, because they can be calm and soft too. It's not long before Youngjae's fingers, still colder than his own skin and still so soft, find their way under his shirt again and this time he doesn't stop him. He feels him pet his stomach with the flat of his palms, massage the muscles with his thumbs and Jaebeom lets his eyes fall close again with a sound that's a weird mix of a hum and a groan, enjoying, basking in the attention he's given.   
  


"You're not tired anymore, are you ?" Youngjae whispers, his lips ghosting over his own, so close and as soon as Jaebeom softly shakes his head he kisses down until he's mouthing at his jaw, making Jaebeom stretch his head back to give him better access. 

"Have you ever had sex with a man ?" He asks softly and Jaebeom has to close his eyes tighter, a strong shiver running down his spine, both from the boldness and because of the pictures that flash before his closed lids, of that time when Jinyoung was very mad at Jackson for leaving him again and Jaebeom had been there and he…  
  


He doesn't want to think about it. He's got his angel, his saviour, his favourite boy on top of him right now and he tries to erase everything else as he nods shakily, trying to focus only on this, on the cold fingertips and the smell of steel. That's what he likes. That's what he wants. Nothing more, nothing less.   
  


"Great," he hears Youngjae's deep voice, the one that he uses when he's mad, although he obviously isn't right now, the one that always makes Jaebeom feel hot. "I'm topping." he states cheerfully.

  
His eyes fly open suddenly, from shock and also from fast-growing fear and he sees Youngjae, comfortably sitting on his thighs, looking down at him with the smuggest grin. Jaebeom sits up as much as he can and as fast as he can and he sputters while he grabs both of his wrists before they can go for the fly of his shorts. "Wait." he asks, panicked. "No." Youngjae furrows his brows, confused. "I've never… I… No. No, Youngjae, just… No." he feels his cheeks warm up, from shame, not from being flustered, and he adds a weak "Sorry" because he really, really doesn't want to disappoint Youngjae, like, ever, but he also can't do that right now. 

  
Youngjae sighs and lets himself plop back down into the mattress next to him, his eyes closed. He doesn't look happy, but not annoyed either and Jaebeom watches him with pursed lips, wondering if he messed it up already. But when Youngjae opens one of his eyes, he sends him a weird glance and he smiles a little in the middle of a second sigh. "Fine." He says, "But then I'm letting you do all the work."   
  


Jaebeom chuckles and nods, grinning happily when he settles on top of him and between his thighs. He can work with that.

* * *

  
Youngjae complained about Jaebeom topping, but he seemed to like it. For one, well, he did cum. Pretty hard actually. And he also asks for it again in the evening, and the day after. Then he shows Jaebeom his blowing skills and then he's the one who asks for it.

  
Jaebeom's missions are long, this one especially so, because although he interrupted it a few weeks before the end, he's been away for nearly six months in total. Therefore he gets long breaks in between, a few weeks for him to rest and then a few more to plan the next one. So much time for him to spend with his freshly acquired  _ boyfriend _ . 

  
And spend time with him he does. Of course, he also talks to Jinyoung and Yugyeom once in a while, but most of the time he and Youngjae are glued together, following each other like lost puppies and it worried Jaebeom at first. Because he thought, dumbly maybe, that Youngjae would probably get tired of him. Or change his mind. Or stay with him just because of this obvious physical attraction he’s always felt towards him.   
  


But he was wrong. They were friends before this and it shouldn’t be such a surprise that they get along so well. Jaebeom has always trusted him more than it should be possible here. And Youngjae… Youngjae has always had a soft spot for him, hasn’t he ? Jaebeom was worried, he didn’t know how this would work. But it’s good. Even better than he thought it would be and he feels guilty for having dared to doubt Youngjae’s honesty.  
  


He sits on his lap and feeds him when they eat with the others at lunch. Kisses him randomly when they practice fighting together. Lets him hold his hand in the corridors and back hug him when they’re all sitting in Mark's room and drinking beers and talking loud. And he answers “Yes” with a proud and cheeky smile when someone asks him if Jaebeom and he are dating, as if he was the lucky one, as if it was something good enough to brag about.  
  


He’s never been close to Youngjae’s team. Of course, he knows Jackson, has talked to him quite a lot, but they aren’t friends, and he’s exchanged a few words with Mark, but nothing more than polite greetings and strategy ideas during some meetings. But being with Youngjae often means being with them and he must admit, he doesn’t hate it. Mark is cool, chill and quiet and understanding and he doesn’t eye him disappointingly when he sees him kissing Youngjae for the first time. Bambam and Jackson do. For Bambam, Jaebeom can understand, he’s the reason why they can’t be friends with benefits anymore and he would hate it too if someone stole Youngjae away from him. But he shoots an angry glare at Jackson, because he’s got a boyfriend and a fucking good one, and it’s about time he stops being so childish and petty. 

  
The girl that Youngjae saved that day, joined the agency too and she seems to be head over heels for him, but Youngjae couldn’t care less. He barely smiles and ends the conversation fast whenever she tries to talk to him. Jaebeom feels an ounce of pity for her. He knows how it feels. Being saved by Youngjae, being greeted by his smile, having him reassure him, soothe him, making him stop feeling the confusion and the pain and just, everything that isn’t calm and warmth. He’s been there. But contrary to her, back then Youngjae kept caring even after he was completely healed, checking on him everyday, bringing him meals while the doctor was away, making him escape the infirmary when Jaebeom felt like suffocating there and treating him like something  _ precious _ . He realizes how lucky he was, how grateful he is for Youngjae choosing  _ him  _ over the dozens of other people who would give basically everything to be with him. He can’t believe that this precious angel voluntarily chose to be only  _ his _ .

  
Youngjae’s missions are shorter, they barely ever last more than a few hours, but they’re harder to plan, because, well, you never know when the government will want to blow up one of their buildings. Youngjae and his whole team have to leave in panic one day and Jaebeom almost laughs at how they’re gone for barely a day and yet he feels lost, not knowing what to do anymore when his Dongsaeng isn’t by his side. When he comes back Youngjae greets him with a tight hug and a smile huge as if he had missed him just as much as Jaebeom did and he suggests he goes with him the next time. Jaebeom eyes Mark, surprised, who is already looking at them with a smile that is mostly amused but also a bit fond if you look closely. 

  
“I don’t know,” he says honestly and raises his hands before his chest as a calming gesture when Youngjae shoots him his best angry glare. “JB and I are technically at the same hierarchical level. If he’s in my team I want to be able to give him orders.”

Youngjae smiles. “Don’t worry about that !” he exclaims cheerfully and hugs Jaebeom’s arm, pulls him closer while he sends the blond an arrogant smirk. “He’ll be my assistant, he’ll do whatever I ask him, I promise !” Jaebeom nods immediately. Of course he will.

“That’s not very reassuring,” Mark chuckles. “You never follow my orders.” Youngjae’s smirk only grows wider and he shrugs. So arrogant. So cute. He leaves as soon as Mark agrees, patting Jaebeom’s shoulder one last time before he goes to annoy Jackson, who is busy annoying Bambam. Jaebeom watches, amused, entertained, and very fond. 

  
“You two are very cute.” Mark’s deep voice states from beside him, making his eyes grow wide before they turn into small crescents again. Strangely, he likes being told this. It feels great.

“Shhh.” he makes nonetheless, placing a finger against his own lips playfully. “We are, but you can’t say it or else he’ll hit you…” he whispers. Mark plays along, laughing quietly and then pulling him down with a hand on his shoulder so he can murmur in his ear:

“Well then, you didn’t hear it from me, but you both are very cute and I may be very happy for you and hope you’ll last for a long time.”

“I didn’t even hear anything. Did you say something ?”

“Me ? Nope. Nothing.”  
  


They snicker together, exchanging mischievous glances. Jaebeom likes Mark, he decides. He would have never thought he would be congratulated for his relationship. It doesn’t seem like something people would do in the middle of a war. But it’s good. It makes him proud. 

  
Jaebeom laughs at the confused smile Youngjae sends them and reaches for him to throw an arm around his shoulders, kissing his forehead. During the next mission, Mark discovers that Jaebeom’s presence fuels Youngjae’s mischief even more, and he groans and yells at them so much that his voice gets hoarse the next day. He never tells them that he regrets his decision though.   
  


They’re happy. He, obviously, is, and Youngjae too, there’s not a single doubt about it. He smiles and laughs and hugs him when they are together and Jaebeom soons becomes a pro at dodging his hits. They’re very playful together. They laugh a lot. Life is fun with a Youngjae next to him.   
  
But all good things come to an end. It’s like the heaviest weight is suddenly put on his shoulders when his boss tells him he’ll leave three days later. He’ll be sent far away this time. A seven hour drive between him and the headquarters.   
  


Seven hours between him and Youngjae.   
  


A single tear escapes his eyes when he cuddles Youngjae to sleep that night, and although Youngjae soothes him with the softest kisses he’s ever received he cries again the night before his departure. It takes three whole days of him begging for Youngjae to have his number to get an answer that isn’t just a stern “no.”

  
Instead he gets a sigh and Youngjae hands him his phone. “You learn my number by heart.” he tells him and his voice is deep again and Jaebeom feels shame and sadness rise in his stomach for being scolded again. “If you need to talk to me. If it is  _ absolutely necessary _ . You buy a cheap phone, send the message, and then you throw the phone away, somewhere no one will be able to find it. And you break the SIM card. Am I clear ?”

  
He raises a brow and Jaebeom nods slowly, looking down. A soft and cold hand against his jaw makes him look up, but even the soft gaze and the kiss that follows can’t make him feel happy again. He doesn’t want to leave. What’s the point ? What’s the point of fighting if he can’t do it beside his lover ? What’s the point of doing all this when he can’t even protect him ? 

  
“I’ll miss you…” he mumbles. Youngjae nods and grins, but his eyes lost that playful, joyful spark too. “I know.” he says. And then, biting his bottom lip and averting his eyes, he speaks very slowly:

“I… Will… Too.” 

  
Saying goodbye is heartbreaking. He’s been so happy this past month. And now… Now…  
  


Now he has to get back into his “spy mode”. He exchanges a firm, determined nod with Yugyeom, who is again accompanying him this time. Then he gets in the car and tries not to look at how Bambam is hugging Youngjae and patting his back next to the agency door as if trying to comfort him. “ _ Don’t think. _ ” he tells himself. “ _ Don’t feel. _ ” He’s not a human when he’s on mission anyway. He’s not supposed to feel. He’ll feel when he gets back home. For now he'll just forget.

* * *

  
It's harder than it should be. Not feeling is a lot harder now that he knows that his feelings are okay and that they're reciprocated and that they're  _ wanted _ .   
  


They've been here for three months already. The first week has been the worst, because he had to get used to not having an adorable boy at his arm all the time and it was tough. Then he got the hang of it. He was so focused, so busy for his mission that he didn't have time to think about anything else, and it was good. Because his thoughts are a mess anyway and he'd rather not listen to them.   
  


But there are days. Like this one. When he's not that busy, when nothing happens, when he can stay alone and the only things he has to mind are the cameras that his target hid in his room. When his mind is free to wander. It's already 5pm and he's sitting next to a river, a new, cheap phone between his fingers and he's done nothing but think today. He thought about a lot of things and most of them were  _ him _ .   
  


He misses him. How he could light up a whole room, no, scratch that, his entire world when he smiled and laughed. How he was always so warm despite his hands always being cold. How his skin was so soft under his fingers, and his smell so sharp whenever Jaebeom buried his face in the crook of his shoulders. How he was always so happy when Jaebeom was by his side, not even bothering to hide it. How he made him feel wanted, desired, needed. Loved. And he  _ hates  _ how his thoughts are all in past tense.

  
Jaebeom's current girlfriend, well, fake girlfriend, but she doesn't know that, always wants him to tell her whatever he's doing at all times of the day, to tell her where he's going, with whom, and what for. She yells at him if he doesn't keep her informed 24/7. She tells him she has the right to know, because he's her boyfriend. 

  
But Youngjae is his boyfriend, his real one, and he can't know anything about him. Jackson is forbidden to send him any message now so Youngjae could be hurt, he could be dead right now, he wouldn't know. He doesn't know what he's doing, when he's sleeping, if he's thinking about him, dreaming about him, missing him just as much.   
  


He's craving for him. For his presence, for how safe and relaxed he makes him feel, he's yearning for it. He just wants to see his Jae. He wants to know if he's fine. He wants to talk to him. Wake up next to him. Annoy the hell out of Mark with him. He just…

_  
He just wants him. _

Jaebeom has thought a lot about it, and he thinks he loves him. Of course, he doesn't even remember how friendship works, let alone love. But, he thinks, if love exists for him, then this is it. It feels as it's described in the books he loves to read. Strong and powerful but also soft and steady when he's next to him. And dangerous and painful when they're apart. He feels empty. Like something is missing in his own body, as if before he was complete but now that he's gone he left a part of himself there, in the headquarters, with Youngjae, in this place he now calls home. It's a dull pain, a never stopping one, one that he doesn't always notice, but when he focuses on it it becomes unbearable. He wants to see Youngjae. He just wants to see Youngjae. 

  
He's got the phone in his hand and a phone number tattooed in his brain, just next to a name, written in bold and in all caps. Eight letters, his whole universe. The one thing he cares for. And his fingers are ghosting over the keys, hesitating. He can send something. Youngjae told him he could. But he doesn't know what to say. No words seem to be powerful enough to convey his feelings. Except maybe…  _ I love you _ . But he’s not dumb enough to say this for the first time by text. He wants to say it out loud.   
  


He hears footsteps behind him. He doesn’t turn around, he knows who it is. They don’t see each other often, both too busy with their respective missions. But Yugyeom got a message from their boss and told him they had to meet, so, here they are. 

  
He’s all dressed in black and tight clothes, a mask covering his face when he settles next to him. Jaebeom doesn’t look up from the phone, but he can feel him staring from the side. Can see, from the corner of his eyes, how he looks unimpressed for a minute before his eyes show the hint of a smile. “Aww,” he cooes. “Aren’t you such a roman--”

“Don’t say it.” he cuts him off, closing his eyes tight. Only Youngjae can make fun of him because of this. No one else… knows. How it feels, what it’s like, how overwhelmingly amazing it is when they are together. How gorgeous they look next to each other. No one knows. 

  
He thought Yugyeom would laugh. Call him dumb. Because he must look dumb, doesn’t he ? Almost crying over a boy. A breathtaking one, but still. He doesn’t though. He stays silent until Jaebeom feels like suffocating and he needs to say something. Why he chose to say  _ this _ , he doesn’t know, but…  
  


“You’re gonna make fun of me. Or use it against me. But I... think… I think I love him.” he murmurs. At that Yugyeom chuckles. 

“Of course you do. It’s okay though, I won’t make fun of you, it’s great.” Jaebeom eyes him doubtfully, confused, belwired. What is great about it ? He’s alone. He loves someone who isn’t  _ there _ . “Well, yeah.” Yugyeom explains. “It’s cool to know you actually feel things. You’re so… stern and quiet all the time and I know how much of a good actor you are, so I was actually starting to think everything about you was fake. Like you were a robot or something !” he laughs louder. “But this.” he taps against the old phone as if it meant something. “This is real. It shows that you can feel. That you’re human.”

  
Jaebeom looks down at the phone again. It  _ is  _ real. He feels another wave of unwanted feelings drowning him and Yugyeom lowers his mask to send him a sympathetic smile. He even gently puts a reassuring hand on his arm, one of the only friendly gestures he’s ever had towards him. “Just send it.” he whispers. “Then we talk about the important stuff.”

  
Jaebeom nods, swallows nervously. Then he types the first thing that comes to his mind and sends it quickly so he doesn’t have time to regret. “ _ I miss you _ .” the text reads. Yeah, that’s probably enough. And if when he comes back Youngjae asks him if it was absolutely necessary, he’ll answer that yes, it was. Because it is.   
  


Yugyeom smiles again, pats his arm and then proceeds to tell him everything the boss told him. That they shouldn’t kill them this time, that it’s too dangerous, that he’ll send a whole team once the both of them find enough information. That it shouldn’t be long now, that they’re almost there. That they’re doing great. That they should keep being as careful as possible because one of them seems to know something already. Jaebeom doesn’t listen though. It’s almost always the same speech and all he can remember is how he said “it shouldn’t be long now.”  
  


It shouldn’t be long now, he thinks, breaking the SIM card and throwing both, the phone and the card in the water, after checking one last time that he didn’t get an answer. I won’t be long now.

* * *

He’s driving fast, and it’s not only because Yugyeom is bleeding and groaning on the back seat. It’s mostly because of that, of course, but also… They’re going home.  _ Home. _

  
They weren’t supposed to fight, but someone discovered them and Jaebeom had barely been able to save Yugyeom. His blood smells strong in the small car, Jaebeom really hopes he’ll survive with the basic healing he’s done, because they can’t stop until they’re at the agency now, some of them are probably looking for them and they won’t be safe anywhere else. He glances at his friend through the mirror, worried. “Are you okay ?” he asks for what feels like the hundredth time. Yugyeom groans, clutching his side where he’s been stabbed. “Just drive.” he mumbles weakly, his voice hoarse. Jaebeom focuses back on the road and ignores the rapid beating of his heart. They’ll make it.

  
When he gets back at the headquarters he calls for help and several people come to help him carry Yugyeom to the infirmary. He tells himself that he’ll think about Youngjae later, but he can’t help but notice that… No one is waiting for him at the door.  
  


It’s okay, no one knew they would come back so fast, and Yugyeom is hurt anyway and for fucks sake, Jinyoung isn’t there, he has to leave him to another doctor and he hates it. He’s so agitated that he’s thrown out of the room because he kept yelling at the doctors. Now the door is closed behind him and he’s alone in an empty corridor where everything is calm. He’s lost. He’s back, yeah but… He doesn’t know what to do. Should he stay here and wait for news from Yugyeom ? Or…  
  


Search for Youngjae. That’s what he does. He needs him more than ever, his heart won’t calm down. He doesn’t find him, but Jinyoung has Jackson’s arm wrapped around his shoulders as he laughs and talks with Mark, drinking in the cafeteria. Jaebeom gets closer and sees Jinyoung beam even wider when he spots him.   
  


“Oh, JB !" he exclaims. “You’re back already ?” He looks happy and Jaebeom almost wants to throw up. How dare he ?! How dare he be happy when…

“Yugyeom is hurt. Go check on him.” he orders darkly. All of them stop smiling and eye him weirdly. Only then does he realize that he’s shaking.

“Aren’t the other doctors already…”

“You think I  _ trust them  _ ?! Go check on him  _ now _ .” Jaebeom all but growls, and Jinyoung frowns but complies, waving at the other two and putting on his lab coat as he runs out of the room. Jaebeom turns to Mark.

“Where is--”

“He’s gone.” the elder says softly. Gone ? Jaebeom feels… He doesn’t know what he feels but he hates it. His eyes grow bigger and his mouth falls open. Mark is quick to reassure him before he can overthink though.

“For three days.” he explains. “He’s at a seminar for bomb defusers. Brought Bambam with him. He’s safe and he’ll come back soon, don’t worry.”

“He doesn’t need to go to a seminar…” Jaebeom mumbles, doubtful, but mostly… Dejected. Youngjae isn’t here. He’s gone.

“No, of course no,” Mark laughs and Jackson joins, as if it was the dumbest thing they’ve ever heard. “He’s not getting taught. He’s the one teaching. You should go see the rankings, by the way.”   
  


His small, teasing grin tells Jaebeom what he’ll find there already, but still he obeys, nods and thanks him with a weak, low voice and he walks slowly down the dark corridors, his head low. He heads for the great hall. He hates this room. Always so loud and crowded even in the middle of the night and he never feels safe there. But that’s where the rankings are displayed, and he walks towards the section for technicians almost on auto-pilot.   
  


The names at the top of each section are always in red. Jaebeom smiles, but it’s weak. Red letters suit Youngjae’s name. It’s bright and bold and powerful. Just like his boy. And the fact that he managed to do that, and to be good enough to teach other people, while being half blind and so young… Jaebeom is so proud. If he was here Youngjae would have taken his hand and led him to the posters and showed him the ranking excitedly and then he would have bragged and smirked and Jaebeom would have given him anything he wanted, a few hundreds congratulatory kisses and…  
  


And he’s not here. He’s gone. For the first time in his whole life Jaebeom is here and Youngjae  _ isn’t _ . He’s never known what it felt. To be the one who stays. The one who has to wait. He realizes that even when they weren’t together yet… Youngjae always waited for him to come back. He’s grateful. Because he can already tell that it’s torture. Of course, he can now text him and Youngjae answers with a lot of exclamation points, happy emojis and even a cute selfie when Jaebeom texts him that he’s home. But it’s not the same. He still feels empty and so does his bed when he goes to sleep. He’s tired of thinking “later” all the time. He’s been telling himself “Only a few days more” for days. He misses him. yearns for him. It aches, how much he… loves him.

  
But he’ll manage. 

Just a few more days.

* * *

  
“I’m so happy you’re here.” Jaebeom mumbles against his ear as pleasure starts building in his stomach. “Missed you so much.”  
  


He’s answered with a choked moan when he thrusts forward again, trying to carve his very own place in the younger’s body. He’s stretching him, reaching deep, hoping that when they’re apart again he’ll feel as empty as he did those past months. He knows it won’t be the same kind of emptiness, knows that it won’t last as long as his own ache, his own craving did. Still, he gives it his best, rocking into him slow but hard and Youngjae whines, sobs.  
  


“Hyung,” he whimpers. And again, and again, with each time Jaebeom strokes his sweet spot. “Hyung…”  
  


God, Jaebeom has missed him. His voice. His face. His smell. The sharp taste of steel when he bites down onto the skin just under his chain necklace. His skin, soft over the firm muscles of his thighs. Jaebeom’s heart beats fast, hard, his breathing short as he finally,  _ finally  _ takes his fill. He’s missed him. So much. 

  
“Hyung,” Youngjae moans again, clinging to him, arching his back, letting his head fall left and right, restless. 

  
Jaebeom considers himself a careful person. He’d do anything to keep himself safe. But right now, with Youngjae’s nails digging into his shoulders, he doesn’t even hesitate. It doesn’t matter how loud Youngjae is being, how dangerous it could be. He just  _ needs  _ to hear him say it. It’s been so long.

  
“Jaebeom.” he states right against Youngjae’s ear, making sure to keep his voice low and seductive. Youngjae chokes again, struggling to breathe as he picks up his pace.   
  


“Come on, Jae. Call my name babe.”  
  


With the next push against his prostate, Youngjae sobs, so cute when he’s so overwhelmed. But Jaebeom stops, waits, because he needs to hear him say it and he knows he won’t if he doesn’t let him breathe. He doesn’t pull off though, just stays deep enough to still feel his soft walls stretching around him, but shallow enough not to brush against his spot.   
  


“Jae,” he whispers softly, pulling a strand of hair off of his forehead. He opens his eyes slowly, for the first time since Jaebeom entered him, and gapes at him, confused. “Hi, Jae.” the elder grins, stroking his cheeks. “I’m Jaebeom.”  
  


“Jaebeom.” Youngjae repeats, blinking slowly. He looks dazed, dreamy, his eyes hazy and his lips red from both of them biting into them. If he isn’t the prettiest boy he’s ever seen.

  
“There you go…” Jaebeom smiles wider, resuming his thrusting. “Good boy, Jae.”  
  


“Jaebeom...” he moans again and Jaebeom can feel how he’s trying, and struggling, to keep his voice quiet. From then on he can’t seem to stop repeating his name, over and over again, louder when the elder wraps his fist around his member and strokes slowly. 

  
It’s been so long, since he last heard someone call him that way. He’s been JB and  _ Hyung  _ for years, that’s basically his name now. He’s not used to Jaebeom anymore, he doesn’t identify himself with it. But it means so much, that Youngjae is the only one who knows it, who calls him that. It gives meaning back to a name that had long been forgotten by everyone else, to a name he had given up on. And now Youngjae is the keeper of the secret, too.

  
It fills his heart with an unusual warmth, one he hasn’t felt for so, so long. He’s feeling so emotional, looking down at his  _ boyfriend _ . His angelic boyfriend, with his pretty eyelashes falling elegantly against his cheeks and his face red as he loses control. 

  
Jaebeom is so soft for him. So soft and so warm, and feels so loved. They might not see each other often. But when they’re together -  _ god _ , it feels so good.

  
He loses track of his own thoughts when Youngjae, desperate for release, grabs Jaebeom’s hand that is still stroking him and makes him tighten his hold. “Please…” he mumbles incoherently, too far gone to form an entire sentence. 

  
Jaebeom understands nevertheless. “Wanna cum, Youngjae ?” he smiles and kisses his neck, right on top of a mark he made a few minutes ago. The boy nods, squirming, panting, so overwhelmed that Jaebeom is pretty sure his back is all red from being clawed into. "You can," he allows.  
  


“Jaebeom…” Youngjae whimpers, voice broken and high pitched and Jaebeom answers with a choked moan of his own. Apparently, his own name is a turn on too, he figures, thrusting harder and stroking faster without even meaning to. He lets go of everything else, focusing solely on the soft pressure around his length and the intense pleasure in his groin. He’ll think about all of this, these romantic feelings, this longing -- he will, but later. For now, he just needs a little bit more, a little bit faster, tighter...

  
Youngjae cums without a warning, tensing all over and the moan Jaebeom lets out when he tightens around him is so obscene and so loud, it must be heard in the corridors. Not a second later he releases in the now soft, pliant body under him and breathes hard against his neck, basking in the feeling of happiness and fullness that comes with such an intense orgasm, shared with such an amazing man.

  
  


“I love you.” he whispers after cleaning the both of them with a washcloth, adjusting the cover on top of his nacked lover, who is already half asleep. He answers with an incoherent mumble, one that must have meant something in his head, but that Jaebeom can’t make sense of. It doesn’t matter, he knows what Youngjae feels, and it’s with a smile on his face that he spoons him and closes his eyes. He falls asleep to the sound of Youngjae’s even breathing, surrounded with his warmth. He’s never felt better. 

* * *

  
Youngjae wakes up feeling comfier than he ever has. He’s in a better bed than usual, and there’s a comforting warmth pressed against his back. Along with a firm arm snaked around his waist, and a palm pressed against chest. He’s disoriented, sleepy, but he doesn’t even need to think to guess where he is, and with whom. There’s only one person that could ever make him feel like this.  
  


Hyung.  
  


He was here when he came back. Had been waiting for him, the way Youngjae always waits. And he had looked so happy when their gaze met.   
  


Youngjae’s heart skips a beat when he remembers the previous day. He would never admit it, but… The effect Hyung has on him. It’s crazy.   
  


He presses against the elder’s chest a bit more, not wanting to move an inch even if he’s wide awake now. He’s surprised when he hears an appreciative hum from behind him, and suddenly he’s held tighter and he can feel lips against his nape.  
  


“Oh…” he murmurs, relaxing against the mattress and tilting his head to give him more space. “You’re awake.”

“Yeah.” Hyung chuckles. “Have been for a few minutes. Was just enjoying.”

  
Youngjae hums, the sound turning into a soft moan when Jaebeom nips at his skin. Their bodies fit so well together. This is the best morning after Youngjae has ever experienced. Not boiling hot and wild like the night before. Now all there is left is this soft feeling of laziness and love, and the  _ warmth.  _ It’s so warm.  
  


He’s greeted with a dazed grin when he turns around, wanting to look at the face he was separated from for so long. Hyung leans forward, of course he does, and leaves a light kiss on his lips. He’s always been the cheesy one. Youngjae pretends he doesn’t like it.  
  


He does. A lot, actually.  
  


“I didn’t think you’d be here when I come back...” he says, petting the man’s face and hair, stroking over each of his handsome facial features. He thumbs at his eyebrow, at his sharp cheekbone, brushes against his nose, his lips, smiling when Hyung closes his eyes and  _ enjoys _ . A soft sigh leaves his lips and in return he caresses Youngjae’s back and arms, almost purring. “I’m happy you were, Hyung,” he admits.  
  


He’s not one for sappy comments like these, so he kind of expects the elder to beam and maybe blush a little and say something corny like “I’m happy too,” or “I’ve been waiting for you,” or even, “I missed you,” since it seems to be his favorite sentence now. Instead he opens his eyes again, looking at him as if confused.  
  


“Hyung ?” the elder repeats as he leans on his elbow, looking down at Youngjae with furrowed brows. Youngjae blinks, unsure of what’s going on.   
  


“I mean… Of course you can keep calling me that.” he mutters, worrying his lip between his teeth. “I just thought you would -- well, now that you know my name… It’s okay though, both have a lot of meaning when you’re the one who pronounces them. I didn’t expect it, that’s all.”  
  


They’re a soft blush spreading across his cheeks even before he stops ranting, and he averts his eyes as Youngjae sits up and stares at him, trying to make sense of his words. “Your… name ?” he repeats slowly. He does remember something about it, last night, when he was too lost in pleasure already. If he remembers well… It started with a J… and…

  
“Jae...beom ?” he tries, not sure he got it right. But Hyung -- no,  _ Jaebeom  _ \-- beams and nods, looking like an excited child.  
  


He told him his  _ name _ , Youngjae realises. His name. The one thing he never told anyone. Not even Jinyoung. Oh, he’s never been so thankful. And flattered. He’s the only one. Jaebeom chose  _ him.  
  
_

“Yeah. Jaebeom.” he confirms, nodding again. He’s smiling still, a bit more shyly than before as he waits for Youngjae’s reaction.

  
Youngjae isn’t cheesy. He’s cheeky and arrogant. Loves himself, not others. It’s his way of protecting himself, just like Jaebeom’s carefulness is. Still, he can’t help himself. Too warm, too happy. He lurches forward and kisses the hell out of Jaebeom, who inhales sharply at the sudden movement, but doesn’t push him away. If anything he tugs him even closer, wrapping his arms around him and pushing his tongue into his mouth with a moan.

  
Youngjae loves it. Loves his enthusiasm. Loves his  _ love _ , that Jaebeom keeps on giving each time. Loves  _ him _ , probably. And it will most likely take him years to say it out loud. But it’s fine. They’ll be fine. They’ll never be like Jinyoung and Jackson, who love one another but can’t stand each other. Their love is easy. Soft. Warm. The only soothing thing they have in a world that’s falling apart. It doesn’t matter if they don’t see each other often. They’ll stay together until the end of this fight. Or until one of them dies.   
  


“Nice to meet you, Jaebeom-hyung.” he whispers against his lips.  _ Jaebeom-hyung _ . A way to use both of the names he likes so much. And that apparently hold a lot of meaning for Jaebeom. The words taste good on his tongue, and the elder seems to like it too, if the “oh god…” he breathes quietly is anything to go by. He then proceeds to kiss every inch of Youngjae’s face, leaving pecks everywhere. The younger would have pushed him away. He should, probably. But it feels like a ‘ _ thank you _ ’ and it feels  _ good. _ Instead, he just lays back down and basks in the affection he’s given, letting Jaebeom get on top of him as their lips mold together.   
  


They probably won’t leave their bed today. Or tomorrow. Or ever. Youngjae could stay here forever. He can’t, he knows it. But today, just for today, they forget. The war, the danger, their roles, their missions.   
  


They’re alive and they’re together. It’s more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alriiiiiiiight this was my first smut ever I feel nothing but shame but I hope you liked it ?? If it is possible to like it, idk I just want to hide rn. Let's ignore the fact that I even wrote it and focus on how CUTE Jaebeom is. Isn't he such a baby ? And Mark is cool too isn't he ? Love them. Hope you do too T_T Thank you for reading and I'm sorry if there are any mistakes. I forgot to mention it when I posted the 1st chapter but if you don't know it already, English isn't my 1st language so... Yeah. Also I'm sorry for everyone who thought something really bad would happen... When in reality it's pure fluff. I like angst but not too much so... I couldn't just let them be away from each other for too long :// I think it's sad enough as it is... T_T
> 
> Anyway I'll go hide now ~ Till next time and thanks for all the comments, yall are too kind <33

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on twitter: @SSen_333


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